A few years ago I heard something that pivoted my life in the best way. Not quite like the pivot Ross tries to make with a couch on the popular show called "Friends", but definitely it was a moment to remember for me none the less. 😂
Brené Brown has spoken about how she carries a list of people with her, who actually matter enough for her to not only listen to their advice, but consider changing her mind because of their advice. Their position in her life is so pivotal that she will stop and give them more weight in her life as she works through decisions and the operations of life.
That was my moment. I realized that I had WAY too many people on my list who I cared about their opinions and was willing to care enough to change things in my life based ON their opinions. This is not good. Too many cooks in the kitchen leads to a bad soup. I had to dwindle that list. I was giving too much of my power away.
Then I read a book called,"The Are Of Not Giving A F*ck" by Mark Manson. The concept was solidified in my heart, and now only needed to play this out in real time. That was the hard part.
Breaking a loop of beliefs or stopping a habitual pattern of thought is not always so easy as waving that magic wand like in the fairy tales. And in this case, what I found is that the deeper reason so many people were on my list is because I feared not having anyone at all.
Abandonment and rejection. Those familiar friends.
Oh sure, today they are just a memory, but for nearly all my life they were the sole playmates of my mind and wreaked terrible havoc on my life. Truth be told, I needed people on my list because I needed to feel like I had people who cared. Unfortunately, most of those people on my list only cared about themselves and their motives for the advice or consult they gave me was usually selfish and cruel.
The list represents the value of not only the people you consider to be close enough to help you heed wisdom, but it shows the value of yourself. That you understand who is going to empower you and who will try to take your power. That you are fearless to pursue YOU and not the illusion of you. Who can help feed you and who will take your bread in the night. It is having value in the right people over many people.
Sometimes I gave so much power away to others simply out of not wanting to hurt anyones feelings. I would feel bad for not accepting their "advice" or feel shamed by them when I didn't choose what they said. This is why today if I am backed in a corner I just say, "I am sorry, but you aren't on the list at this time. Thank you for your counsel, but I don't feel it's right for me today". I can tell you that in the rare occasion I have had to actually say this, it didn't go so well to begin with. 😂 Yet, it really did move alot of personal mountains within me.
But, let's be fair here with a little pivoting of the mirror to reflect ourselves a little more. I have done the same thing I speak of today to others. And you likely have also.
We can have a lot of love and care for people and in our desire to help them we can lose site of the fact that we are all free to make our own decisions; even when they are going to hurt us. We want to be free to choose, so we must let go and let others do the same also.
I haven't always been very good at releasing control over others. I mean, it's hilarious that I would think I had any control to begin with but... that's just learning. And again, learning that you are loved and supported. You can be valued by others or not and be ok to just "be" no matter what. This does take some time because this is a layer of understanding our Self. Who we are and why we even feel we need to have these roles in other peoples lives is a big question. Why DO we feel we need to have control or such a loud voice in someone elses life? What are we trying to prove or what are we trying to reflect away from ourselves? Lessons learned; wisdom acquired. To me, that's a good day. Or years. 🤦♀️😂
If any of this is something you struggle with; I can assist your heart. Why not try booking a Connect Me Coaching session? Learning to protect your heart and empower yourself is a skill and a process. You absolutely can get to the point where you are ok to say, "Thank you for your wisdom, but you're not on my list" and be ok to walk away free and clear. So who is on your list and do you need to make some adjustments??
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