"Forgiveness is releasing something that is harmful to us instead of expecting compensation for harm that has been done to us".
That's a quote from chapter 26 in my book, "The Last Letter, Surviving A Narcissistic Relationship". The topic of forgiveness and how to move through it doesn't get touched until the very end of the book; and for a reason... because we have to be ready to release our hold on the pain and the one who inflicted it in order to give out something so precious; forgiveness.
I have wanted many times the full compensation owed to me for the pain I have had from a narcissistic abuser. I have wanted the full amount "owed to me" to be delivered. I have said many times that I have never experienced so much "humanity" as I did during the healing stages of grief from a narcissist. I never knew what the emotion of hatred was until having to move through the pain of being tossed away like trash without a second thought. I wanted things that never in my life had I ever entertained before; and it scared me.
At that point I could never have considered forgiveness as a option to move forward. It wouldn't have been possible. I wasn't ready to let go of my right to have the debt paid. Because let's face the fact here; it IS a right. We have rights as humans to be paid back for debts made. Universal laws of consequence fall into play and we want our fair share paid to us for the injustices and wrongs done. And a narcissist makes a lot of debts. They steal and destroy and make a giant mess for you to clean up without their help. And we want them to own up and pay the bills. Pay for the overtime we had to put in because of them. We want them to make it right. But they won't. And that in itself is maddening.
As simple as some people can make it sound with phrases like, "Why are you letting them live rent free in your head?" or, "Stop giving them so much power and energy", it isn't that simple. We don't have this switch that can turn it all one and off as we please. I used to think, "Do you think I LIKE all these feelings so much that I am just keeping them here for my pleasure?!" (Insert a crap ton of sarcasm here).
As much as those adages, objectives, and principles are perhaps positive in their own way, they are pretty unhelpful when you are trying to unpack grief of any kind. Especially grief and betrayal trauma.
Unpacking that stuff is messy and you have to be radically honest with yourself. For me that was admitting and accepting, and.... actually agreeing to feel hatred. Something foreign to me previously. I had to be human for a little while. I had to allow myself to feel the darkness and understand where to insert the light. It was a long time before I was near the place of being ready to release the narcissist from the debt that they owed to me. I wanted THEM to ask ME for forgiveness. But we all know that will never happen.
In time and with much self reflection, I began to open myself up to the possibility that perhaps I could let go of a little of the debt. The pain still remained inside yet I was open to the possibility that I could release some of the focus from justice and redirect it to rebuilding instead. When the consequence of the crimes committed are released from our hands and we focus on the consequences of our choosing ourselves now; that's when forgiveness pokes to the surface and starts to show the little tender shoots of life.
Consider that you have been bitten by a snake. You are holding onto a creature that not only bit you but has been releasing venom steadily and you still won't let go. The act of releasing the harmful and toxic energy; AKA the snake in our analogy, just so we have justice—is an act of releasing ourselves from the venom that still pulses from the snakes teeth.
I was holding onto the narcissist and demanding justice because there was this part of me that needed to get back control. I couldn't forgive because to me that would mean I would let go and he would win. He spun my life so out of control so fast I felt helpless and in chaos. I just wanted to hold on long enough that I could get back the upper hand somehow and wait for the moment when he would self implode or be struck by lightening, and I would be right there to see it. To gloat. To have my fill of laughter as finally justice of the evil one was served. Not realizing that all the while the snake was still biting me and the poison was running wild in my veins. Where is the justice in that?
I had to be open to the possibility that if I let go and didn't demand justice, that perhaps I would be delighted with peace of my own. To be open to releasing something that was harmful to me.
Carrying the carnage of what someone has done to us is a toxic overload to our bodies. It ruins us from the inside out. Our cells degenerate faster, our emotions oscillate and lose their grounding, and our minds spin as we overthinking and get overwhelmed. Toxic responses within us are occurring as we try to work out a way to make sense of what has happened to us and re-balance the scales. The fight flight responses activate in full swing and all sorts of chaos concedes.
I don't know to this day if I am truly in a "forgiveness state" at all times with a certain person who did me real dirty. I don't know if I will ever be. But I am ok with that. Because I am daily open to the possibility that I can release more of the grasp I have on the reason I am holding on. And so I let go a little more each day. And what I find is that I am shining more as the venom isn't flowing through me the same as before as now the teeth are extracted and my arm is extended away. I am just looking at the snake now. The pain isn't seething as I am just holding it in the air and examining its use for my life and its behaviours and how it is affecting my own. This is massive progress.
Can you release someone or something that is harmful to you, even just a little today? Can you release the expectation that they need to compensate you for you their evil, poor behaviour, toxic ways, pain, and abuse? Can you see that the poison they are inflicting isn't worth the sense of justice you will receive if you keep holding on?
If you can, then you are well on your way to healing and recovery of your SELF. And that, is where all your power truly is.
*Stacie Rae is a highly sought after practitioner in her "Connect Me Coaching" programs where she helps to re-align you to your Self by moving you through trauma, emotional difficulties, physical distress, and spiritual confusion. To learn more and book your free consultation to become a personalized client, visit www.TheRestingTraveller.com and book through her services link or email her direct here.
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